You recently shot a cover spread for Sports Illustrated, and you are launching an adult swimsuit line at Target. Congratulations! It’s refreshing to see that after 55 years, you are celebrating your roots as a fetish object sold in cigar stores. It’s great to see that you own your sexuality, but why didn’t you go all the way? Why not the Victoria’s Secret catalogue with a lingerie product tie in, or better yet, a Playboy spread? If you are really going to own your sexuality by posing in a magazine designed to help men satisfy their sexual urges, there is no need to keep your clothes on.
You are so bold and daring. You don’t care one iota about alienating or offending your regular customers, moms of little girls who might be concerned that their daughters’ idol is posing in a men’s magazine. You are such a rebel! To drive the point home, you are launching a social media campaign with the hashtag #unapologetic. Cool! But again, you didn’t go far enough. A more apropos hashtag would have been #InYourFaceB**ches. Go all the way!
But let’s get real for a minute here. I hate to tell you this, but I think you are going through a mid-life identity crisis. Don’t worry, it’ll be our little secret. After 150 careers, you are searching for who you really are. I get it, you are confused, and all you want right now is happiness. And you are disappointed. Sales are down 13%. Bummer.
But let’s look on the bright side! Unlike the other models in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, you won’t need any airbrushing. It must be sooo nice to be made of plastic. What’s that like?
I am so proud of you for shedding that “wholesome” image. You were working so hard to convince the public, and who were we kidding? That wasn’t you! You had lost your edge, but now the public will get to see the real you. Hint: you really need to do a sex video. Take a tip from Kim K, sweetie. You are so going to blow up after your sex video. Reality show, more fashion lines. The sky is the limit!
But you can’t be all things to all people. As you launch in this awesome new direction, don’t forget about the little people. That is, the little girls, your fans. You are on to bigger and better things now. But they still love you. And they are watching your every move. I know mine is.
Here’s to leaving childhood behind.
Lauren Ivy Chiong
P.S. Did you see what you would look like if you had the proportions of the average woman? Check it out here! Can’t wait to see what hashtag you’ll come up with for that. LOL!